Stage 1 and the Tour made the Grand Départ from the imposing Mont Saint Michel for the 188 km to
Utah Beach on the Normandy coast.
SBS commentator Matt Keenan nervously checked his watch as
his new side-kick Robbie McEwen came scuttling up to the caravan of commentary
after doing Lord knows what just in time for the start.
Whatever it was Robbie was doing he noted that it was, “windy
enough to blow off your beret.”
After the success of the Keenan/McEwen match up for the Giro
d’Italia, I’m looking forward to hearing from the duo over the next three
weeks.
No Grand Boucle is
complete without full catering from Tour chef Gabriel Gaté. On the menu was roast rack of lamb with spring vegetables. The
salt marshes around Mont Saint Michel are famous for its lamb – salt on the
grass which the lambs graze on makes the meat flavoursome.
Local shepherds have been left scratching their heads
wondering where all their lambs have disappeared to. If they find out what Gabs
has been up to he’ll soon be on the lamb.
The dish opens the famous buerremetric counter at a modest
20g. Okay, it’s early days yet here’s a reminder of Gabs’ tweeted video statement from last year promising to make the 103rd edition of the
Tour, “the year of the butter.” I’ll be holding you to that Gabs and by the
time we reach the Champs-Élysées, I expect to see
the needle on the dial of the buerremetric counter right off the scale.
The lamb was a nice change for Gabs. For
the past eight weeks he’s been run off his feet supplying candidates in the
Australian Federal election with pork pies.
As it happened the quest for the golden fleece clashed with
the race to The Lodge. Not once but twice SBS1 interrupted the Tour with
crosses to the election special. Fortunately the Tour continued on SBS2 so we
didn’t miss a thing but constantly being advised by Tomo to switch between SBS1
and SBS2 made it sound like an episode of the Thunderbirds.
Phil and Paul finally caught Matt and Robbie at the 49km to
go mark and just like Gabs and his full catering no Tour is complete without the
babbling stream of SherLiggettisms that makes up the three week soundtrack of
inanity.
Speaking of babble we learned from Matt that race radio is
indeed a babelfish that speaks many languages. It’s got French, English and
Spanish down pat. It’s even been known to try and pick up a Chinese word or
two. But when it comes to Mark Cavendish it’s completely bewildered by the Manx
Missile.
Until yesterday's win at Utah Beach this is as close Cavendish got to yellow.
Back to the race and the mood of the peloton was ‘tense’
which is the new ‘nervous’ in race radio parlance. Beret-blowing crosswinds
wreaked havoc and Alberto Contador was the first of the GC riders to crash
leaving the Spaniard with a shoulder wound that made him look like an extra
from Saving Private Ryan.
Contador avoided serious injury but ‘wearing road race from
knee to shoulder’ is not what you want at the start of a three week GC
campaign.
As the race headed toward the finish on the beaches of
Normandy Paul thought he was in Geelong, near the Twisted Sisters, in the
mansion in the sky. Poor Paul, he seems to have caught Phil’s poor sense of
geography for anything beyond the front door.
Here’s a handy hint. Whatever you do, don’t ask Phil for
directions to Simon Gerrans’ hometown of Mansfield – you could end up in two
states looking for it.
The pilot fish got the sprinters organised for the fast and
furious finish at D-Day landing site Utah Beach but not before it was time for
the peloton to ‘reel in the fish’. This, surprisingly, came out of the mouth of
Paul and not Phil who’s partial to angling analogies. You know how they say old
married couples finish their partner’s sentences? Well Phil and Paul manage to deliver
each other’s sentences from start to finish.
Marcel Kittel, Mark Cavendish, Peter Sagan and ‘The Gorilla’
Andre Greipel were well and truly in the mix for the sprint to the line. The
money was on Kittel but Cav managed to snatch his 27th Tour stage
win and claim yellow for the first time of his esteemed career.
In the post race interview the babelfish broke trying to
decipher what he was saying. However, no translation required – the look on his
face said it all.
Before I go no Tour
would be complete without an official Tour song. Here’s a tune dedicated to the
domestiques who flog themselves day-in day-out for 21 days for the captain. Every
rider dreams of a stage win at the Tour and for many it will be THE highlight
of their pro cycling career.
Team Sky’s Sergio
Henao has had a great season winning the mountains classification and third
overall at the Tour Down Under and second at the Vuelta al Pais Vasco. The
Colombian looked to be in doubt for the Tour after irregularities in his
biological passport lead Sky to suspend him. After expert analysis of his
bloods he was cleared to ride for Sky at the end of May – which is just as well
as it would have been back to the drawing board for the tune you’re about to
see.
It’s based on the
Crowded House classic ‘Don’t dream it’s over’ and because I was too lazy to
think of an original title I’ve left it as is.
Don’t Dream It’s Over
The results are in
many rumours abound
Try to catch a trickle in a paper cup
In the mountains ahead
all could be lost
But you’ll never see a step of the podium
If you’re not travelling with me
Henao, Henao
Don’t dream it’s over
Henao, Henao
Reel the breakies in
Attacks come, attacks come
To bridge the gap between us
We know they won’t win
Now there’s a red car
the one with the hole in the roof
sticky bidons causing suspicion but there’s no proof
And will Bastille Day
belong to Romain Bardet
all the hopes of the French are pinned on this stage
Henao, Henao
Don’t dream it’s over
Henao, Henao
Reel the breakies in
Attacks come, attacks come
To bridge the gap between us
We know they won’t win
Now I’m pacing again
to the beat of a drum
And I’m counting Watts and the rate of my heart
Only breakies ahead
Sky’s protecting Froome
Avoiding all the crashes brings a feeling of relief
Henao, Henao
Don’t dream it’s over
Henao, Henao
Reel the breakies in
Attacks come, attacks come
To bridge the gap between us
We know they won’t win
Don’t let them win
Henao, Henao
Henao, Henao
Henao, Henao
Don’t let them win
Attacks come, attacks come
Henao, Henao (yeah)
Henao, Henao
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